The time I got better

I was 10 or 11 when I became unwell with OCD. From then on, OCD stayed with me in various guises, unrelenting. I first sought medical treatment when I was 17 (before that I’d resisted attempts to get medical help). I basically went to my GP and told her I had OCD. By that point I already knew all about OCD and how it affected me.

A quick overview of some of the times I didn’t get better…

I started antidepressants when I was 17, and although I’ve tried various kinds I haven’t seen much of an improvement from any of them. I remember when I was first prescribed medicine I was so hopeful that I would get some relief, but I didn’t. Having said that, more than a decade later I’m still on a high dose of antidepressants – when I tried to come off them a few years ago my OCD got even worse.

In terms of psychotherapy I’ve seen lots of different practitioners over the years. With most therapists my OCD remained mostly unchanged, with one therapist (a psychiatrist) it got worse, and in two cases it improved. The first time it improved was when I had regular sessions with a clinical psychologist who applied cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques in a dynamic way which took account of my individual symptoms. I made some great progress, genuinely beginning to get on top of my OCD for the first time. The sessions took place over the summer, in between academic years at university. I had been in a sort-of relationship with someone from university, who didn’t like to be seen in public with me, for about 10 months. When I went back to university, and back to the stress and uncertainty of that situation, all the progress I had made over the summer just dissipated. It felt like trying to hold back water. Weeks/months of consistent hard work disappeared within 2 weeks of being back at university.

One of the most cruel things about OCD is that to get better you have to be consistent in your fight against it, which takes a lot of energy and is very frightening, but to get worse all you need to do is have a brief ‘off’ period. But don’t despair, you can get better! Which leads me on to…

The time I got better

The second time I got better my progress did stick. There were a number of factors which I think contributed to me getting well at that time.

  • My life circumstances were more settled and stable than they had been for a long time (e.g. I was now in a stable, beneficial relationship).
  • My therapist had a thorough understanding of OCD, the techniques that could be used to treat it and how to apply these techniques in an appropriate manner.
  • My therapist happened to be a Christian, which meant she could easily tell the difference between my religious OCD thoughts (which were focused on Christianity) and what was actually part of the religion itself.
  • The first ‘half’ of the treatment was focused on cognitive reappraisal (with exposure coming later on). I believe this was fundamental to my success – some people’s OCD responds well to exposure on its own, but the reason I was able to capitalise on the exposure exercises this time is that I had spent a long time strengthening my ability to reappraise the OCD thoughts. This helped me to see them for what they were, at least to some extent, and exposure then helped me to consolidate this.
  • (I changed back onto Sertraline after being on Venlafaxine. This point is in brackets as I didn’t feel an improvement from this in itself (other than the removal of Venlafaxine’s more intense side effects). But it’s possible it supported the CBT I was working on – Sertraline is a recommended medicine for OCD).

I was able to become clinically well (below the clinical threshold for OCD), and to remain well for about 1 to 2 years. I’d guess it took me about 6 – 9 months of weekly or fortnightly CBT to get there. Everyone who knew me well, including me, was amazed. I had been very ill since I was a child, and one of the things you may hear about OCD is that it has to be managed, not cured. Perhaps I just have a different concept of what ‘managed’ and ‘cured’ are, but for me, having the occasional slightly intrusive thought which I was able to bat away, a few times per day, felt like being cured.

How the world felt when I got better.

Being well felt like the world was colourful. I realised just how much I had been dealing with; I remember thinking “if this is what life is like for other people it’s no wonder I’ve been struggling so much with life.” The first Christmas I was well I joined in much more with family activities than I had previously – I had more mental space to engage with others as I wasn’t also dealing with OCD’s constant ramblings. My anxiety level was lower as I didn’t have my worst fears in my thoughts all the time. That helped me to engage more as well.

As you will have realised from the rest of this blog I became ill again. However it took a couple of years and a lot of intense interpersonal and work stress to bring it back. A few months after I had finished CBT my grandma passed away – I thought OCD would use this time of difficult emotions to stage its comeback, but it failed to do that – I kept it at bay. I wish I hadn’t got ill again, but I am optimistic that I can get well again, and stay well for longer this time. After all, this time I know it is possible, because I’ve done it before.

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