I wanted to share the lyrics of a song which describes my experience with OCD almost perfectly. I discovered the song when I was about 16 and it’s been important to me ever since. The funny thing is that I’m relatively sure it wasn’t written with OCD in mind. One of the band’s vocalists had some symptoms of OCD, but I haven’t been able to find out how much he contributed to the lyrics (and from what I can tell OCD wasn’t severe for him). OCD can be an alienating experience – although it’s closely linked to anxiety it’s very different to anxiety due to the sheer audacity of the things it comes up with. So it’s not often that you see something represent OCD by accident. Anyway, here are the lyrics:
Nothing ever stops, all these thoughts and the pain attached to them,
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening,
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when,
I think of how I shot myself in the back again,
'Cause from the infinite words I can say,
I put all the pain you gave to me on display,
But didn't realise,
Instead of setting it free,
I took what I hated and made it a part of me.
It never goes away,
It never goes away.
And now you've become a part of me,
You'll always be right here,
You've become a part of me,
You'll always be my fear,
I can't separate myself from what I've done,
Giving up a part of me, I've let myself become you.
Hearing your name the memories come back again,
I remember when it started happening,
I'd see you in every thought I had and then,
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them,
And I knew as they escaped away I was committing myself to them,
And every day I regret saying those things,
'Cause now I see that I took what I hated and made it a part of me.
Get away from me!
Give me my space back you've got to just go,
Everything comes down to memories of you,
I've kept it in but now I'm letting you know,
I've let you go so get away from me,
I've let you go.
I was going to write some explanations of how these lyrics relate to OCD, but I think that’s probably quite obvious. It’s a great description of how OCD creeps up on you and convinces you to do the very things that increase its power over you.
A quick note of comfort – this song really helps me when I’m feeling fed up of the whole thing, but the reality is not completely bleak. I’m optimistic that OCD won’t “always be right here” and that one day I will beat it again. Actually I realised that I spend quite a lot of time in these posts attempting to reassure and comfort anyone with OCD who may be reading – which in itself could be a manifestation of OCD (trying to keep people safe and feeling excessive responsibility for other people). It’s not stopping me being able to post though, so if it is OCD it’s a manageable symptom.